Following today’s Stefan Sharkansky episode, I am left scratching my head at how someone can honestly consider Stefan in the wrong for what he did. (link) Well, the truth is that intellectually, I understand completely what is happening. But it is still mind-boggling.
To help our more conservative readers understand what is happening, let me introduce to you the 8-step program to becoming a liberal. You’ll notice that these steps are like a religious baptism, a rite of passage all liberals must pass through. Upon understanding these 8 steps, you should be able to identify to what extreme your liberal associates have gone based on their actions.
Step 1: You must hate something, something that is actually quite a good thing. But start with this hatred, and cultivate it. Don’t try to understand the object of your hatred, nor question why you hate it so much. Just hate, hate, and hate some more. Let it burn and fester and grow within you. There is power in this hatred–it makes you strong! Here are some examples of things you can start to hate:
- Black people
- Asian people
- White people
Step 2: If you are hating as best you can, then this step is easy. You must lose all rationality. Whether or not you believe something is no longer predicated on whether or not it is true. It is now predicated on whether it makes you hate the thing you hate more or less. If it makes you hate it more, then you believe it. If it makes you hate it less, then it must be untrue.
Step 3: Now you are ready for the next step. With that boiling hatred and the absence of reason, you must now take the boldest step of all: changing the way you attack what you hate. See, in our case violence is probably not the best answer. (Though at times it is excusable, such as at the WTO demonstration.) You must learn to use words. But don’t try to use reason–you are above reason. You must attack the object of your hatred, using as strong as terms as possible. Start with “Evil”, “Hitler”, “Genocidal”, etc… Then move on to curse words or profanities or even vulgarities. The more severe, the more likely you will win the argument. If you are still losing the argument, yell louder and faster, and don’t allow your opponent to respond. If you still are losing, start attacking your opponent with whatever attack you can think of. If you are still losing the argument, as a last resort, change the subject.
Step 4: You have come far on your path to become a liberal, but you are only half-way there. Now you must find people like you and spend all of your time talking to them about the object of your hatred. Your job, when you form a friendship, is to ensure that your friend should hate the object you hate at least as much as you hate it. Note that this is a give-take relationship. If your friend is a liberal, you must learn to hate what he hates as much as he hates it. As your circle of friends grows, your repertoire of hatred must grow as well. Should anyone not fall prey to your superior reasoning and intellect and superior debate skills, you must shun them and start hating them as well.
Step 5: Now that you have a circle of friends, you should become politically active. The best way to hurt the object you hate is throw the all-powerful arm of the government. (No other institution has a monopoly on violence, you know.) How do you choose people to represent you? Why, you administer a litmus test. All you are looking for is if they say they hate what you hate as much as you hate it. That is the only qualification that matters. Whether or not they are capable or corrupt or actually hate what you hate is unimportant. Just vote for whomever say they hate what you hate the most. That’s all the matters ultimately.
Step 6: On the other hand, you must oppose those who do not say they hate what you hate. If they do not hate it, by definition (see Step 2 above) they must be supporters of it and must be your mortal enemies. To successfully attack your mortal political enemies, you must destroy their careers. (See: John Ashcroft, Alberto Gonzalez, et al…) How do you destroy their careers? By making all sorts of false, unsupported charges. The more the merrier! In fact, the less factual relationship they have to reality (I mean, the real reality, not the manufactured reality you live in thanks to Step 2), the more loudly you should scream the claim. Anyone who is making false claims against the person of your hatred must also be a fellow spirit, so support their claims in whatever ways possible, no matter how evil or nefarious. Lying is a good way to get started, but don’t limit yourself to that. Try forging documents, producing false witnesses, and twisting their words as well. Oh, and above all else, avoid true claims! They have a nasty habit of not being as serious as the manufactured ones.
Step 7: Now, don’t limit yourselves to defaming elected or government officials. You must also hate those who support them, no matter how tepid their support is. The world is divided into two groups: Those who hate what you hate, and everyone else, remember? You must attack these people using the same methods in steps 3 and 6. Remember, the more wild and more profane and more grotesque the attack, the better! Don’t forget to avoid real claims. The last thing you want is for your target of hatred to get exonerated like the Duke Lacrosse players.
Step 8: Finally, the last step. In order to completely become a liberal, you must pass through this gate. After having satisfied all of the above 7 requirements, you must now join a protest. But you can’t merely go there with a sign laced with profanities and false accusations. No, that’s way too mild. (Only FBI plants carry those signs.) You have to do things like strip naked, draw pictures of your enemies engaging in unspeakable acts, and shout vile things at the top of your lungs to little children. The more offensive, the better. In fact, it has to be so offensive that no TV or newspaper would ever show you or your sign. Also, you must attack any authority figure at the protest in the most unspeakable way possible. Don’t think of the police as people trying to keep you and the public safe so that you can get your message out in the best way possible. No, they are stormtroopers, mind-washed robots who follow the beck and call of your enemies all for a little filthy lucre. You are justified and encouraged to spit, scream profanities, and attack them. If you get thrown in jail, remember Step 2: You weren’t imprisoned for your behavior, but because there is a conspiracy to get you because you know the truth!