If I were President Obama…

by

Tonight, this is the speech I’d give if I were President Obama.

Senators, Representatives, thank you for having me tonight.

It is my constitutional duty to address you in the State of the Union from time to time. That’s in Article 2, Section 3. I am still grateful for the opportunity you’ve given me to fulfill my constitutional oath.

Before I begin, I want to remind you that we are the federal government of the most powerful and successful nation to ever grace God’s earth. We have been blessed with liberty and wealth that was unimaginable to our ancestors, and still unimaginable to the vast majority of the world.

In that sense, let us treat tonight’s address with due reverence and dignity. I ask that you hold your applause to the end, and save your comments for after the speech.

Thank you.

To begin, let me be frank with the American people. I was not raised in a family like most of yours. My mother, father, and grandparents, although I dearly love them and respect them, did not teach me much about what liberty and freedom are all about. My education was under the hands of known communists and traitors to our country’s ideals. In times past, my mind has been clouded by illogical and unreasonable thoughts. However, after taking some time to ponder on our country’s history, and reading the sacred writings of our forebears, I have come to several conclusions.

First, the document that should be reverenced more than any other on this planet is the document penned by Thomas Jefferson and adopted, unanimously, by the Continental Congress in July of 1776. And among that document, these words stand above the rest:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

Brothers and sisters, friends, patriots, people of this great country, people of the divine birthright that we call “human” of every nation, kindred, tongue, let me reaffirm these words.

As I pondered these words, I thought about the many injustices throughout the world. Among them, there are two types.

The first is the injustice of men or small organizations of men against other men or small organizations of men. The second, is the injustice of great groups of men against little groups of men.

Of the first, we need a society that reverences and respects the law. By so doing, the smallest injustice can be remedied, quickly and swiftly. These are the laws that you are so familiar with and that apply to everyone’s lives everywhere.

Of the second, we need a society that fears and constrains government. For it is governments, and governments alone, that have the power to murder countless millions of innocent people. We’ve seen this time and time again in our world’s history.

The most despotic government of all, far more terrible than any we’ve seen in history, is the communist regimes in Russia, China, Southeast Asia, North Korea, and other places throughout the world. Among these communist regimes I count communist sympathizers and admirers like Adolf Hitler and the Third Reich. Hundreds of millions of people have been tortured, starved, and murdered by these regimes.

Why is it that these governments were able to so thoroughly humiliate their own people, while other governments can scarcely lift a finger, as I have tried, to impose injustice on the people?

I declare to you, it is because of the Constitution of the United States.

In times past, I have denigrated this sacred document. I have felt like it was the barrier between injustice and liberty. I felt like if governments were simply free to do what they wished, we would all be better off. But now that I have had time to ponder these things, I have come to realize the exact opposite is true.

Indeed, the constitution is chains, chains used not to subjugate the people, but bind the government. These chains constrict the size and ability of the federal government, insisting that certain key elements are in place to prevent anyone, like myself, from obtaining too much power over the people. These chains are the very chains that have stopped me from realizing my dream of taxing businesses into oblivion, and driving everyone to seek refuge from government welfare programs. These chains prevented me, a very popular and powerful president, from enslaving you to that same government.

Thank God Almighty for those chains! It is because of those chains that I stand before you thoroughly humbled and humiliated. The peoples of Virginia, New Jersey, and Massachusetts have sent a message to Washington D.C., and that message is heard in the oval office. I am sorry. I was wrong. I will no longer pursue the socialist policies of the past.

Turning over a new leaf is difficult. It means making new friends and saying farewell to old ones. And you have no way of trusting that my words are sincere. Tonight, I hope to be short on promises and long on actions.

Let’s begin with the internal affairs of our country.

Senators, Representatives, I have come to understand that the constitution is meant to be interpreted not only by the Supreme Court, but by the congress and presidency as well. I swore an oath to the document, not the court, and certainly not to you. I come here to declare that I will never, ever, do anything that violates this sacred document.

Please review, carefully, Article 1, Section 8. There is a limit to the things you can do, very carefully spelled out there. Anything that approaches any of those limits are things I will not honor.

To begin with, I have fired almost all the employees of the federal government. They should be receiving their pink slips right now. You have written a budget to pay them, that is true. But the spending is, as far as I can see, completely unconstitutional.

Don’t worry, they wouldn’t have anything to do. All the bureaucratic regulations passed without a vote of the congress and a signature of the president is no longer law. I have rescinded all the executive orders as well. The people will no longer look to the executive branch to learn what the law is. The attorney general will prosecute no one guilty of violating any of these executive orders or regulations.

Also, I have notified the Fed that we will no longer be borrowing any money from them. They are an unconstitutional bank, My treasurer, Timothy Geithner, will pay back every red cent we have borrowed from them. I have also instructed the Fed that they will no longer print another penny of US currency until the Congress write specific legislation to print such money. The executive has no power to determine how much money to print. Only congress can do that.

The retirement accounts of all the federal employees is being liquidated as I speak. I am going to hold on to the money until congress tells me what to do with it. Keep in mind, congress, that I cannot invest America’s money in any market. It gives me too much power to pick winners and losers. I will only give the money as salary to employees.

I have also decided that I will spend the budget up to as much as I please, as long as it doesn’t exceed the budget. I will retain the extra and keep it in the treasury. You can use that money to spend on items listed under Article 1 Section 8.

I have also stopped all payments to any foreign, state, or local government. I have also stopped all payments to any individual or corporation who is not a direct contractor for the American people. This is because, as it is quite clear, you are not allowed to spend America’s money to buy votes.

I have also stopped payments on all Social Security and Medicare plans. The Federal Government is not a retirement account. I would ask Congress decide how to return the people’s money to them. I prefer we repay in proportion to how much we have taken, but that is up to the representatives to decide.

On taxes, I have stopped collecting taxes on any wage. It appears that income and wages are two different things. I agree with the Supreme Court. I ask that Congress decide how to return all the money we’ve unconstitutionally collected on wages.

The next federal budget will be carefully scrutinized. I promise the American people, that every line item will be carefully examined. The test I will apply is simple:

One, does it adhere to, plainly, one of the items in Article 1, Section 8?

Two, is it general enough that I get to decided who to give the money to?

Three, is it important to spend the people’s money on?

If I cannot answer, clearly, yes, to all three of those questions, I will let you know which items I feel are disagreeable and veto the entire bill. There is no room for negotiation on this matter. I would prefer we spent none of America’s money than spent a penny of it poorly.

I wish to speak about taxes for a moment. Note the careful wording of Article 1 Section 8 regarding taxes. It says, clearly, that these things should be uniform throughout the nation. Note that the current tax code is anything but uniform. A person may find themselves taxed under different laws based on a variety of different reasons.

The tax code needs to be rewritten, now. I have instructed my Treasurer to stop collecting all taxes until this matter is resolved. Until you can come up with a tax code that is obviously uniform, I cannot, in good faith, execute such a tax law.

Now, you may be thinking we need some sort of gradated income tax. I disagree. This is not uniform. If we are to have an income tax, it is to be a tax that is uniform—like 15% on everyone, or 20%, or whatever number you choose. You cannot tax one person at 0%, another at 5%, and still others at 15% and expect that to be uniform.

In fact, I believe we have a tremendous untapped resources for cash.

First, we are allowing banks to print the majority of money out there. By gradually increasing the reserve limit, and reserving the right to print money only for congress, we can remove massive amounts of money from circulation. To compensate, congress can order the printing of new money to replace it, thus paying for whatever we need. My treasury secretary assures me that there is more than enough money to pay off the national debt should we pursue this policy over the next ten years. Let us begin immediately.

Next, the federal government owns a significant amount of land throughout the United States. We can, and should, sell that land. The Federal Government doesn’t need that land to provide the services listed in Article 1, Section 8. If the people want to turn the national parks into nature reserves, they are free to do so. However, the federal government can do no such thing.

But if the economy grows, the money supply must increase to satisfy the demand for new money. Otherwise, we are hit with deflation. I ask congress, particularly the House of Representatives, to ask the people in their districts whether there is too much money or too little. Ask them if prices are falling or rising, if their salaries are growing or diminishing. Then use this information to vote on whether we need to expand the money supply and by how much. This money is free to be spent on anything listed in Article 1, Section 8.

In fact, I am assured that there is more than enough money to pay off the national debt and maintain a healthy government without collecting taxes for the foreseeable future. If this is true, then we should be able to have our federal government work off of the growth of the economy alone.

This is the financial plan that the Founding Fathers knew about and set up for us in the constitution. It is one of literally thousands of tidbits of incredible wisdom in government.

I’d like to speak to the people, who elect you to office. People of the United States, for too long you have been told that the federal government is allowed to do things it is simply not allowed to do. If you don’t like the limitations on government, you are free to ask your representatives and senators to craft an amendment, through the amendment process. I don’t feel like the constitution needs much more amending, but it does need a lot more adhering.

To put it another way, you elected me to do certain things. If I cannot do the most basic things right, what good am I? What good is a pro basketball player that cannot dribble or shoot, or doesn’t even understand the most basic elements of the game? In a way, the federal government is like the basketball player that arrives with football pads and helmet, and uses a baseball bat to beat the opposite team into submission. Because the federal government won’t play by the rules laid out in the constitution, we aren’t even playing the game of government any more, but despotism and tyranny.

Now, I’d like to take a chance to explain the situation we are in internationally.

It appears that I came into office expecting that people would see things my way and we can all sing “Kumbaya” and there would be peace. Unfortunately, it appears that I was extremely naive in this regard.

I am taking a new approach with foreign policy. I am adopting the Teddy Roosevelt approach. I will speak softly, and carry a big stick. I hope Congress will spend money, wisely, to give me the biggest stick possible.

Right now, a good stick would be the kind of stick I could use to beat organizations like Al Qaeda at their own game. I’d also need a stick to threaten the Iranian regime to allow free elections in their country. I’d need another stick to drive into Kim Jong Il’s skull. At the other end of that stick, I’d like a spade to dig up the graves of those who have been murdered by that regime, and fill them with those who did the murdering.

These are the sticks I need right now. A few other sticks might prove useful. We have a problem with piracy. I’d like a fleet of small navy ships to destroy piracy around the world.

We have a problem with a growing belligerence from China and Russia. I’d like a global defense network and missiles and bombers and other devices to make them understand that war is no longer an option in this world.

If we can convince all of our belligerent co-inhabitants of planet earth that belligerence is not an option, there will be no war. Unfortunately, the despots of this world only understand war, and so we shall deliver it when they are fully ripe.

In North Korea, I want to show my wristwatch. You have, from this time on, exactly one hour to surrender. That’s right, surrender. Our troops will move into your country in exactly one hour, and a coalition government of the Japanese, South Koreans, and Americans will be installed. Those guilty of abusing the people will be executed after a trial according to the laws of that government. The North Korean people will be fed and cared for, and we will begin the process of integrating them into South Korean society.

In Iran, you have just one hour from the time I’m showing right now to surrender. No, we don’t want to invade you. We just want you to surrender to the activists in your country. Come out from your palaces, offer an olive branch, and relax the laws of your country. If need be, have your top leaders resign, and call a special election immediately. I suggest you invite foreign observers to monitor the elections so that it can be properly certified. I would suggest turning to someone else besides former President Carter for this, as he’s proven himself to be untrustworthy. Should you fail to surrender, I will order my troops, who have been victorious in toppling the Saddam regime, to march through Tehran on their way to Afghanistan. I assure you, you will not like what your people will do to you when the US Marine Corps and Airborne Rangers are covering their backs. We have fought your people in Iraq, and we find them easy targets.

I have a phone in my office, and you have the phone number. If I don’t hear a phone call from both of you by the time an hour has passed, I will execute my authority under the war powers act.

To all the other countries of the world, I declare that I want to open our borders to your trade. We are rich because we trade freely with ourselves. We want to be richer, and so do you, by expanding the number of people we can freely trade with. I am asking congress to pass legislation immediately allowing the import and export of goods with no federal tariff. Adam Smith wrote plainly in “The Wealth of Nations” of the great benefit a nation will have if they engage in free trade while others do not.

I believe the time is now to start a constitutional amendment to ensure that we will always have open borders with every country who wishes to trade with us. We can put in constitutional limits on how we limit trade, and eliminate them altogether.

But we should also welcome nations into our country who want to enjoy the full protection of being a part of us. I foresee a time when every nation is governed by a limited government like our federal government. Perhaps, one day, all governments will unite under a common constitution which enslaves the government to the will of the people. This way, we can ensure that no matter what language you speak, what your ethnic background is, or what your family’s history might be, we are all guaranteed basic civil rights and liberties.

On a final note, I want to impress upon your minds the importance I now put upon the document I have sworn to protect and defend. Nothing in this world will get between me and that document. I am devoting myself, entirely, to elevating it above everything else in our government.

I encourage everyone, everywhere, to likewise read and ponder upon the message of that document. Everyone, from kindergartners to graduate students to business leaders to factory workers to senators and representatives, should come to know the principles behind our government, and hold their representatives to its principles.

I can always dream, right?

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