President Obama, Why Don’t You Sell Your Jobs Bill at Preschools?

by

President Obama,

As you travel the country demanding that congress forfeit even more money of generations of Americans yet unborn, why don’t you pay a visit to any preschool in America?

You can tell the children the truth about your plan. Your message might read something like this.

“I’m here today to explain to you what my plan means for you. See, we’re going to be spending money we don’t have, and we won’t have, probably forever. That means America’s debt is going to grow a little larger. Someone will have to pay that debt, and the interest on that debt, and that someone is going to be you and your children, and their children and so on forever.

“Debt is financial slavery. See, when you go into debt, it’s not unlike selling yourself as a slave. You have to pay principal and interest on your debts, and until you do, your debtor has a claim on your property. You are, in effect, working for someone else. That’s why people recommend you don’t get into debt, and you pay off your debts as quickly as possible. But that’s not my plan for America. I like debt, and I want more of it! I don’t ever want to see our country in a position where we actually pay down the debt, or make plans to pay it all off.

“I’m familiar with slavery since my skin color happens to match the skin color of many people who were actually slaves a long time ago, even though my ancestors were not slaves. You should feel bad if you disagree with me because my skin color is the same as their skin color. I know this isn’t what your teacher is telling you, but I’m going to use whatever I can to get re-elected, and talking about my skin color seems to work, so I’m sticking to that.

“I can’t actually tell you I support slavery, and I’ll tell you that I oppose it, and it’s a bad thing. Why? Well, I can’t really say, except that there would be a lot of very angry people who would probably do something as extreme as start a civil war if I tried to bring slavery back. That actually happened. Radical Republicans used to do things like hide slaves and help them gain their freedom, and they used to even go as far to threaten or even kill slaveowners who abused their slaves. We don’t need that kind of country, do we? Why would someone actually kill someone else over slavery? It boggles my mind, even now.

“In reality, I actually support slavery, a lot, even though we don’t call it that anymore. See, we, the political masters of this country, have been given enormous powers to control every aspect of the lives of the lowly citizen, which are people like you. We believe we have this power because you’re too stupid to understand what’s happening around you. And we use our power to do things like sell you and your future children into financial slavery. We also do other things to you people, but I don’t want to talk about those things right now.

“By supporting slavery, I’m going to get the political support I need to get reelected. See, my entire political power is based on the idea that I can take something from someone and give it to someone else. I am, in effect, no different from the slavers of time past who came to the continent my father grew up on, grabbed as many people as they could, and sold them into slavery, except in this case both those I steal from and those I give to end up as slaves to me. The rich who pay their taxes beg me for tax breaks and favors, and the poor who get checks from the government have to do everything I say, no matter what, or else they think they will die.

“My political opponents, the TEA Party and the Republicans, are opposed to this plan. They talk about things like fiscal responsibility, which means not selling yourself into slavery, and things like individual freedom. They also don’t believe I have the power to control their lives, and they are doing things to stop my plan, things that involve the law and courts and elections and quaint notions like representative government. They’ve even gone to the extreme lengths to arm themselves in case I get any wise ideas. (To be honest, the fact that they have so many guns makes me a little scared of doing things I would otherwise do.) They claim that the power to govern comes from the people, and that the government has only limited power which should only be used to protect individual freedoms.

“I’m counting on you to be good little slaves to the government. Don’t listen to the TEA Party and the Republicans. Don’t think about what they are saying. If you do, you might be “brainwashed” and come to believe in the things they do, and my entire political power structure would be destroyed. Next thing you know, you might actually free yourselves from the slavery we worked so hard over the last century to create!”

I’m sure it will be a hit.

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